Man, is God messing with me

Wow. I'm not sure of the spark that started the fire in my heart- but I've been so driven to seek the Lord lately. I'm grateful for a passion that is returning. Makes me feel like 'me' again. I feel like I'm fleeing something to get more of God today. Part of me thinks I should never turn on the TV again. It can be such a stumbling block for me. Or a trip wire. Or a buried land mine...

I'm just so hungry to hear the Lord clearly. I'm so earnestly eager to be in His presence. I sat at lunch today and prayed for the people around me. Even that was a battle though. It was such a good lesson for me and a good practice to eat alone in a restaurant and deal with the silence around me, mixed with the intense volume of my own thoughts. I felt like I was constantly telling my mind to shut up so that my spirit could do what it was supposed to do (if that makes much sense). I had to actively stay focused. It was like spirit-filled people watching. Asking the Lord to tell me their needs, so that I could pray for God to meet them specifically where they need Him.

I guess I've 'cultivated desperation' as my pastor talked about on Ash Wednesday. He talked about when we live so focused on ourselves and our own agenda, we have less 'need' of the Lord. But when we instead focus on Him, and what He says in the word, and what the word says about us; we realize we need Him desperately. I think for a season I've been ignoring the fruit of my life. Instead of God's spirit flowing through me gracefully, it has only flowed through in sputters. Occasionally something would be produced that is useful and worth giving to someone else, but mostly stuff that would better be thrown in the trash because it was fruit of my own labor; fruit of idleness, discontent, and disregard.

This video brought me to tears tonight. This song (and Galeana by Waterdeep) is such a cry of my heart. It is a wonderful challenge for me. Ever since we moved back from India, I've felt challenged from the Lord to take up the torch of prophetic intercession. Honestly, it scares me. The accountability of it, the intensity of it- the self-sacrifice necessary to remain in that place. You can pray for me in that area if you think about me. I've resisted (childishly) for a while (well, we've been back for 6 years- so more than a while) mostly because I prepared for so long, and prayed for so long about being IN a foreign country. And, although I'm back here in the US, I am called to pray for those who are where I would love to go... and because I've seen and experienced some of the depth of pain, the poverty, the difference in cultures, lifestyle, way of thinking, etc. I can pray with more perspective. And for that, I'm grateful...