Saturday, December 05, 2009

Opposition to the Rebuilding: more journal/blogging to help me process...

Thank God (and my hubby) for a little R and R this weekend. I'm sequestering myself at my mom's while she's in FL- and I'm staying quiet (mostly). :)

I'm trying to take this weekend to turn off my cranial conversation with God and open my heart/spiritual ears to what He's been trying to say to me. I think in my attempt to 'listen' to His answers to my hundreds of questions/ponderings, I've completely missed the 'wide and long and high and deep' of his love (Eph 3:18). I'm praying that He'll turn my darkness into light (2 Sam 22:29)- and He's so faithful. He's already revealing Himself to me.

My questions are mostly about this season in my life where I feel like things have been progressing 'two steps forward, one step back.' I'm making progress- but there is constantly a repair or something to be struggled through in order to progress in my journey. What I envision, is the Lord, like a father, stroking my head while I lay weary across his lap. He's telling me that the struggle isn't the problem. The struggle IS THE JOURNEY. I'm weary because I'm not prepared for the struggle. Here I've been preparing for the destination while the journey kicks my butt- and I get frustrated.

I've lived such a cushy life up until recently, that now when I experience difficulty or struggle, I think there's a problem and I attempt to fix it in order to keep things smooth. The Lord is very gently trying to teach me that the issue is my resistance to having to struggle.

At some point in my walk, I internalized a teaching that I was supposed to 'follow the peace' because God is a God of peace... But upon further reflection, God is a God of strength and frequently a God of battle! Just because there is turbulence in my life, doesn't mean that God is not there... And just because things are smooth, doesn't mean God is in it... The only way to gain strength is by resisting things that are also strong (difficult). The only way to gain muscle is to work against another force- usually one bigger/stronger than you...

(man this is going to be a long post.)

In my Bible searching today I read about Nehemiah rebuilding the wall. In Nehemiah ch 4, the subheading is "Opposition to the Rebuilding." OH MY! This should be the sub-heading to my life right now! How totally appropriate!!!

Neh 4:14 'After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, "Don't be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes."

Nehemiah was speaking about the people continuing to re-build the wall because the enemy was headed their way. They were weary and they were being mocked while they worked. He was encouraging them to struggle through the difficulty of the labor involved in physically fighting to protect their families and their lives.

A verse that follows is Neh 4:17b:
Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other.

What an image. They were NOT dreamily building a wall, imagining what it would be like to someday have it complete. They were battling while they built.

This sounds like the ultimate multi-tasking challenge. I have to battle for my family and my God- while I rebuild the brokenness within myself and those around me. The battle and the repair are not the problem. My unwillingness to take them on; that's the problem.


Aimee said...

Oh, wow, friend. I can relate. Although our situations are/were different. I struggled a LOT while trying to get pregnant the second time. I fought many battles within.

I was just thinking of you last night, actually, while I was eating tortilla chips. I remember you writing about making them while you were in India. You've been through some things. Don't forget that.

It's easier said than done some times to know to be pliable to the lessons God is trying to teach us.

Peter and Nancy said...

My pastor once talked about a time when his wife had to figure out if she was feeling the "peace of God," or the "peace of man." Meaning that taking the peaceful way (i.e. NOT going to the Sahara desert and starting what is now a 9-year relationship with an unreached people group!) is often not the peace God wants for us. Hope you find peace in Him even as you continue to struggle.
God bless you!

Traci said...

Thank you for sharing. Interestingly, your blog post tied into our sermon today and we had some thought provoking discussion in our house today. God bless you as you walk this path - Traci G.

Terra said...

You and I must be in similar stages. I have been learning the same thing... we aren't promised life without struggle just His grace and peace to get through it. I kept thinking that we had done something wrong to be in such a place for so long. I'm learning God's faithfulness in the "hard times" and learning that His blessing isn't tied to my worthiness. Love you!